Finding my way and moving forward.
It dawned on me today that I have sent an email out every month to my list but have failed to share a lot of those thoughts on my blog. I think it’s because sending an email feels like I’m connecting with my old pen pal friends and when I’m blogging it feels like I have to have something more to say. But I realized I have shared A LOT about my struggles over the past few years on the blog and as I have gotten “better”, or as I have became more grounded and learned better tools to help me I should say, I have shared less and less.
As someone who openly talks about their mental health struggles I think it’s important for me to paint the full picture as my journey unfolds, not to prove to anyone that I have beat something, or that I am just winning at life now, but to perhaps give people who related to me so deeply when I was down and out, lost, and a tad bit manic a side of the story that feels more hopeful. Because this story is also my truth.
I know a lot of people get sucked into a storyline when there’s drama or things are going bad, and less people want to hear about your life when things are going good. But this isn’t for them. This is for the people who read my blogs when I was so broken and said- I feel this too. I don’t want to keep painting the narrative that I’m this lost, anxiety riddled, struggling artist when I’m currently not that version of myself. Not saying I may not be again, but right now, things are different.
And to be fair, I had a lot of people cheering me on, which I deeply, from the bottom of my heart say- thank you. This is for you too.
For me, sharing is incredibly therapeutic, so I think another reason why I shared less was because I was working through things on my own in a way that didn’t require me to rip my heart out and purge my emotions onto the page. I was working, I was creating, I was focused. I needed an outlet to purge less and less.
How did I get there? I dunno… it was a pretty slow, natural evolution that required a lot of dedication and problem solving, if I am being honest, along with a lot of letting go and trusting. I know those things sound like opposites “being dedicated to letting go” but if you’re like me (prone to anxiety, probably depression too, sprinkled with ADHD, a creative brain, and lived through hustle culture) then you’ll know how BIG of a task it is to trust the process, flow, don’t overthink it, don’t over do it, and while you’re at- drink your water, and move, eat, and sleep enough.
If I HAD to make some bullet points on how things started to turn around, these are what I think they would be (and before you read any further, I don’t want to give the illusion that I’m FULLY out of the woods, never to return. I think mental struggles for some people, myself included, will be a cycle and constant work. I have accepted that, which has also helped the lows feels less like the end of the world and more so just a current phase I need to let be and let pass, which I think is REALLY important to remember when you’re down and out. These are also not 1 size fits all. This is what worked for ME and may be useless to you.)
1- Start Trusting Yourself - but be cautious, you MUST keep doing it.
This was one of the FIRST things that caused my life to erupt. I listened to myself when I knew my portrait business wasn’t fully aligned for me anymore, I needed more. I wanted to create more freely for myself. So. I quit my job, and then… my trust in myself just disappeared. All my ideas felt REALLY big (to be fair to me, they were, I never start small- bad choice) and therefore everything felt like a HUGE undertaking (it all was) and I didn’t know how to start, so I didn’t. This caused me to get a bit manic because I had ALL these idea but nothing was happening and deep down, I didn’t realize it, but I don’t think I trusted myself enough to believe what I was doing was right and that I was fully capable of pulling it all off. So I started to bounce all around with no direction.
2- Pick a direction and start small
Funny, this was the FIRST bit of advice I got from a professional Artist when I was exploring my options and, well, I clearly didn’t listen because I thought I was past that part of the creation process in my life. I had, at that point, ran a successful, profitable, fairly creative business for over 8 years… I had overcame a lot. I also think it’s because anything small felt like it wasn’t going to be good enough, it wasn’t going to lead anywhere, it was going to waste time. I can tell you with certainty- anything small would have been better than nothing at all and waiting for things to be perfect wasted FAR more time than just starting small and exploring a concept to see where it would have lead.
3- Trust the process and understand you can’t force things
This was nearly impossible for me to understand. So much of my success and progress as a business owner prior to this all was me planning, designing, organizing, strategizing. I love a good strategy. But when things are brand new, it’s not like that, and I had forgotten where I had come from. See, I didn’t start my business with a business mindset. I “started” my business about 10 years prior to when I bought my first camera for fun. And then 5 years later I went to college and took Art classes. And then 5 years after that I did a 365 Photo project for fun. ALL of that “accidentally” formed my business when someone asked me if I could take pictures of their kid for $20 and I said yes. Then people kept asking and I kept saying yes, so I picked a name, and made a Facebook page, and the rest is history.
I didn’t trust the process the second time around. Instead I quit and wrote my life out on a notebook.
Another VERY interesting plot twist, and one that if this doesn’t make you “trust the process” I don’t know what will, was that of me deciding I was done with Photography and I was meant to get all spiritual, to do something with my life that had more meaning. The lead me to becoming a Certified Meditation and Mindfulness Teacher. And then a Professional Tarot Reader. And lastly a Certified Life Coach. At the time, towards the end, it felt like it was all going off the rails a bit, but I can see now it was leading me somewhere I just didn’t know I was headed yet.
4- Stop thinking that failure is “messing up.” Failure is quitting too early.
I was SO afraid that I was going to waste time, money, materials, other people’s time, and ultimately my life if I tried something and I didn’t get it right the first time. I believe this a bit of existential anxiety and THIS was BY FAR the biggest thing that held me back. I didn’t leave room for exploration, trial and error, learning, growing, experimentation, “failure.” I was constantly looking for the right thing, my thing, my purpose, the right plan. This ruined so much of my mental health. Instead of having fun I was stressing about, well, everything. Is this the thing I’m supposed to be doing? Is this my calling?
Ugh. Life is not that rigid. We’re not plopped here to do 1 specific thing, 1 specific way, forever. I’m not trying to pass blame, but I think this idea formed from spending too much time online and this weird cultural shift that we need to be doing our soul’s calling for work. But what if my soul’s calling isn’t work related? What if it’s traveling, or gardening, or drinking Italian espresso shots, or simply sharing a beverage and laughs with my family?! Do I now have to formulate a job that allows me to make money by invading my personal time or ruining an activity that was supposed to help me reduce stress!?
Also, spoiler alert- I’m going to tell you right now- even if your job is eating pancakes by a pool 1 day a week there’s nothing about turning a passion into a job that’s easy, flawless, or perfect- no matter what the “millionaire influencer guru” is teaching you. Which brings me to my next point…
5- Spend less time on social media.
After YEARS of thinking the ONLY way I could make a go of anything was to be online, be found online, sell to others online, I completely had forgotten about the slow, organic, connected growth of in person networking and experiences in the real world. Once it dawned on me, like clockwork, I had the most BIZARRE experiences start to come my way, and I’m talking INSANE. Like receiving a call asking if I could fly to Italy to capture a Land and Sea Excursion for a world-class yacht brokerage firm and luxury villa. Um, excuse me, come again?
The fact this experience didn’t demand me to make some dancing monkey reel on a platform that constantly makes me feel like I'm not doing enough was just the thing to shift my brain back to who I was before I was sucked into the black hole and lies of social media. I decided to do a little detox and went offline for an entire month. No longer did I wake up to angry people online bitching about literally everything, influencers selling me crappy products, the mega successful sharing their stories and online courses, or even the inspirational people taking my mind off my own projects. SO much clarity, time, and positivity started to flood in while pressure, negativity, and comparison started to fall off. I got dedicated to MY projects, MY dreams, my own quiet life, MY present and future- unobstructed from influence.
6- Ask for help, and keep asking, keep trying everything until something clicks!
I have told this before, but I’ll tell it again- I tried anything and everything to help get myself out of my hole. I did therapy, anxiety coaching, yoga, meditation, breath work, joined the gym, the CLEANSE method from "Emotional Detox for Anxiety: 7 Steps to Release Toxicity and Energize Joy" by Sherianna Boyle, was honest with friends and family about my struggles and how I was doing, joined To Be Magnetic and did their reprogramming Deep Imaginings that has EMDR practices (I’m still a member 3 years in and if you’re interested you can join and save 15% with this code they gave me: AUTUMN1419), invested in myself and my passions via workshops and retreats that made me happy, spent time outside, did muscle testing and got supplements to help with hormone balance along with CBD to reduce anxiety, got massages to help with my nervous system, started eating better, drank more water, and… there’s probably more.
I’m hesitant to say what I recommend the most. I’ve told people in my life to do what I thought was the most impactful to me and they didn’t like it all. We all have to find our thing.
SIDE NOTE*
You’re probably wondering- why didn’t I go to the Dr and just get pills? I dunno. It’s not my thing. It would have been easier, faster, and probably cheaper. I’ve seen friends and family members take this route for the reasons I mentioned and it worked for them, so if this has to be your path- take it!! I just wanted to find ways that resolved core issues without relying on pills forever. I was still functioning (although controlled by anxiety), I have never been diagnosed with a mental disorder, and my “depression” (or perhaps better classified as passing times of pure apathy) wasn’t taking me to dark places I feared I couldn’t return from. If you aren’t able to function, wonder if you may find yourself with a diagnosis that could help you understand yourself better, or have dark thoughts (you know what I mean) than I URGE you to take that all seriously, get professional help ASAP, and do or take whatever you can to get you to a healthier, stable spot.
Anyhow. My point is- don’t give up. Don’t think just because x, y, z worked for someone and it didn’t work for you that you’re stuck forever. And don’t think doing nothing will help and it will “just go away.” I can’t be sure, but I am strongly assuming thinking patterns and actions you have repeated have gotten you to where you are in life, and if you keep doing the same thing, you’re bound to get the same results. Just because you have to put in effort doesn’t mean you’re broken- it means you’re determined to be better., because you deserve to feel better.
7- Listen to your inner voice, the quiet one you’ve been ignoring.
Never doubt your intuition. Not the loud voice driven by ego, but the quiet voice you want to ignore because what it’s asking for feels uncomfortable, not as fun as the big shiny idea you saw somewhere, your ego doesn't want to hear it, you’re scared because you know it’s right and you don’t know how to handle it.
Had I listened to that voice 5 years ago, I wouldn’t be here. But... ya know what, neither would my first published book, my first fine art print, my first photo series and exhibition I’m working on, or all of the Art I made trying to figure myself out. My journey to get here was messy. I dunno, maybe it had to happen that way. I really, really don’t want to romanticize the struggle here, I don’t, I wouldn’t want anyone to have to experience what I did, but… I’m here now, and I’m finding a way to make limoncello out of those fucking rotten lemons I held onto for so damn long.
If you’re still reading, my god, I’m both flattered and sorry! haha If you’re wondering why a lot of my advice centers around business that’s because a lot of my struggles were centered around business, but as you can read deeper, it wasn’t like I was suffering from lack of knowledge with marketing, or pricing… it was personal issues that were popping up via my business because, even still, a lot of my identity, purpose, passion, and truly soul is wrapped up in being a creative person that also enjoys sharing my creations with others and monetizing my skills! Trust me when I say it’s not about the money. That’s a different blog. And trust me when I say- it wasn’t ego making me believe I had to do more and be more. I tried doing far less and eventually found peace with being a happy “no one” but I was also INCREDIBLY depressed and didn’t realize why, and that’s because for me expression and bringing ideas to fruition make me feel alive.
I’ve learned that being creative isn’t just something I like to do. It’s me. I HAVE to do it. And when I do it I HAVE to share it. I LOVE connecting with people in that way. I tried creating alone, sharing with my friends and family, and it just felt… fine. Sharing my creativity (whether it’s writing, photography, painting, tarot, etc.) on a larger scale helps me connect with more people like me, who really get it, or need it, or want it. And then I figure, if I’m going to create, and share, and it’s taking up my time like a full time job, then it’s ok to ask to get paid for my time, and because I also love the puzzle which is running my own business, it’s what TRULY makes me SO happy! I now know that about myself, I understand my why for showing up, and that has also helped!
So, um, yeah, phew, that’s my story, and I hope it resonated with you in even the smallest way to make your life a tiny bit better! If you didn’t need it but just wanted to listen to support me- thanking you for being here.
Now that we got that out of the way- I feel like I can more openly start sharing about all these secret projects I have been working on and taking you along for the ride! If you’re interested in not missing any updates you can add your email and subscribe here!