“escape” : a photo series showcasing the binding nature of fear, and my escape.
“Bind
entwine
interlace
tether.
Entrap
entangle
ensnare.”
I stood up from being intertwined with Alex inside the hedge labyrinth and grabbed my camera back from Carolyn- two people who were complete strangers to me just 3 short days ago. I listened as Alex said- “Oh no. Normal people are here,” and I felt my brain chemistry change.
This phrase “I felt my brain chemistry change” has become a fad, but what I experienced in that exact moment was undeniably my whole being changing- I registered that my core beliefs had immediately shifted, my brain was instantly feeding me thoughts I never had access to before. I was full of adrenaline; I felt incredibly alive, and I knew in that moment nothing was going to be the same ever again, and I knew I never wanted things to be the same, ever again.
It was my first year attending what I didn’t know would be the last Promoting Passion Convention (PPC), hosted by Brooke Shaden for the past 10 years. We gathered in the tiny historic town of New Harmony, Indiana—a failed utopia where time seems to have stood still. The community that had formed throughout the years thanks to PPC feels like exactly that though- a utopia, but ironically it’s not because everything and everyone is perfect. Actually- quite the opposite. The Convention felt like a container for perfection because every single person I met there wasn’t afraid to be honest about who they were, being vulnerable about their failures or short comings, and they were equally ready to embrace others’ imperfections or differences as well. It was unlike anything I have ever, ever, ever experienced before and it was incredibly obvious- and quite honestly incredibly emotional- right upon my arrival all the way through to the parting goodbyes.
I decided to go in hopes of coming home inspired to create more from my heart. I did not expect to go and fully realize how, in a sense, trapped I had been for most of my life. These feelings went unnoticed by me for nearly 4 decades- not because they were insignificant, but because they are highly normalized traps I dare say we all fall into, perpetuated by fear.
“Don’t be too weird, too outspoken, too different, too disruptive, too difficult, too unfiltered, too vulnerable, too risky, too honest, too confident, too self assured, too happy…”
The world is constantly reminding us that we will be well liked, successful, and happy if we tone down who we are just enough so that we are palpable to most. Or the opposite trick- that if we aggressively go against the grain we’ll rise above. This can come in forms like, “Don’t be so basic, so boring, so lame, so quiet, so shy.” As if anyone not living large, loud or lavishly is not enough. There’s so many rules. And none of them make any god damn sense.
I would say that for most of my life, and especially most of my adult life, in a traditional sense, I know I’ve been just a “touch” different, JUST different enough from the trendy, cookie cutter, societal normal to draw some weird looks, but JUST normal enough to fit in almost everywhere. I’ve stayed in that safe zone- and I didn’t even know it until I stood up that day in the hedge maze.
This all took place because Carolyn had asked me if I wanted to model for her. We piled into Art’s car with our camera gear, a drone, wardrobe, and soon I was practically getting naked in public, while she was helping me change into a white victorian dress so I could dance and flip my hair while barefoot on the rustic pathways of what felt like a whimsical maze at sunset. My body was free, my mind was clear, my soul was singing.
For most of the event I didn’t have any visions come to me that I wanted to photograph. I was simply enjoying the community of people, flowing in front of the camera for anyone who asked, and just being present. I knew this would be my last chance to create something for myself, and after watching Alex, a professional dancer, flow through the hedges like lace fabric swirling with the wind, I started to get this overwhelming sensation that I wanted to contort our bodies together in this hauntingly beautiful space-
because why not ask someone you just met who’s wearing a nude thong if you could invade each other’s personal space in the dirt for the sake of art?
Being around like minded, open, creative, vulnerable people made this intimate, odd experience feel not only safe, but totally normal. I asked Carolyn if she could be my human tripod and fire off some shots. All I said to Alex was I wanted to contort our bodies together behind the fence and bent down to start the first pose. There was no other discussion or direction, from anyone. For probably less than 1 minute shots were being fired, we were moving through each other’s limbs, and we ended like zombie’s crawling towards the camera. The very last shot fired was me laughing. We immediately stood up and slapped a high five in the air- and then that’s when we realized we weren’t alone.
It was INSTANT, the understanding that I had not been creating art like this, living this, expressing myself like this back at home out of a VERY hidden but deeply rooted fear of being too weird aka being too myself. I KNEW with every fiber of my being I never wanted to pretend to be any more normal to anyone, ever again.
Alex went off so he could cover himself from the onlookers view who had just arrived- and that’s when I also realized- prior to them arriving we all had been openly creating with each other- freely. We all had a shared understanding that we didn’t have to hide from each other- and I fucking loved it. That’s when it also dawned on me- why are we hiding from these strangers?
I’m so fucking tired of hiding.
The next day I cried for 2 hours on the drive home. I wasn’t just tired of hiding. I was DONE hiding. I could feel it. I cried for the revelation. I cried for the years I had spent hidden. I cried for the experience I had just lived. I cried for the experiences I was about to have. I cried for the past version of me. I cried, ecstatic to be living in the present version of me.
I had escaped the bind. I had escaped the snare.
I can not thank the ENTIRE PPC family enough for what they have given me, Brooke for being the light that guided and drew in the community that formed around her, Art for patiently waiting for us to sneak in just 1 more shot before driving us back, Carolyn for jumping in to snap the shutter bc I had no tripod or trigger, and Alex for quickly saying yes to a very strange ask. You all, literally, have changed my life, and freed me. I say with a full heart and tears in my eyes as I type this- the words “thank you” don’t run deep enough, but my love for you does.