Don’t Overthink It - a lesson on overcoming perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and intrusive thoughts.
*This is a lengthy chat, I have bolded sections if you need to skim.
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This piece may look vaguely familiar to you.
So let’s rewind to over a year ago, in March 2024.
This piece which I later titled “Art Trials” was the very first multi media piece I had created in over 2 decades, and when I was finished- I stared at in awe. I was so proud of myself. The whole process was fun, playful, organic, and a little out of the box for me. I felt like I was really finding my way.
I had spent a good 2 hours photographing myself back in the Fall of 2023 to get this shot. I started out in a different direction, outdoors, with all these props, and it all felt off. So I moved into my studio and allowed myself to just flow. Eventually I got this shot which really stood out to me.
I fought hard against it. I tried my best to edit the images outdoors into something better, something more artistic, something “deeper” until I realized- give it up, it didn’t work... And then I went back to the simple image of me in the studio.
I brought the image into Lightroom to perform some simple edits, then brought the whole thing into Photoshop where I took copyright free oil paintings of flowers that I had found in a huge historical online database and overlayed them onto me. I tried about 6 different variations before landing on the darker, earthy palette. After another 2+ hours of cutting, pasting, blending, cloning, and tweaking the color a bit more the computer work was done. I was so pleased. I couldn't wait to get it off the screen and into my hands.
I then took that image, printed it out, and used acrylic paint and watercolors to add additional flowers and texture. After another couple of hours working with my hands my first mixed media Art piece was complete and of course, on a high, I immediately posted it to Instagram, where I was very fortunate to find a lot of very positive support and feedback.
This sense of wonder lasted about 1 day.
Imposter syndrome kicked in. Thoughts of how I was a cheat for using Photoshop snuck in. “I didn’t photograph those flowers, I just found them on the internet.” “This isn’t an original piece, it’s just digital art I put some paint over.” “This was too easy. I’m not pushing myself hard enough.” “This doesn’t make me an Artist.” 6 HOURS of my creative process and 15 YEARS of perfecting my photography craft overshadowed by these intrusive, dark thoughts.
In the meantime my fiercely supportive friends were trying to examine WHY I was thinking this way and trying to talk me out of it. One friend had actually told me at least 3 times she wanted to buy it for her home, and I just assumed she was being nice.
In the background I was trying to "make it better, make it right, make it REAL art.” I took just the original image, had it printed onto a wrapped canvas, and I was attempting to paint by hand the digital flowers I had used in Photoshop.
Oil Painting on left. Digital with added acrylic on right.
I was making decent progress after 8 hours until it hit me, “I don’t think I’m having fun anymore…What am I even doing?! I’m not a painter! And I never aspired to be a painter. I am a photographer.”
And with that I stepped away. I gave myself permission to allow the FIRST piece to be a piece of Art.
And after I stopped overthinking it I submitted the Art Trails into a real gallery exhibit and it got accepted!!
I attended the Gallery Exhibit Opening and it felt like a huge moment again for me. I was attending an “opening” that I was in. How cool was that!? I arrived to find my piece next to a professional Artist that I have been following and admiring for over 10 years on social media- Michelle Tock York. (I am devastated to find while writing this and searching for her socials (that seem to have been deleted) that she passed away earlier this year. Her art and career was and still is truly inspirational to me. Here is a link to Google Images for you to enjoy her work.)
This sense of wonder lasted about 2 weeks- until I thought about sharing the images from the event. “It’s just a 5x7” “It’s so small, it’s not that big of a deal.” “It’s not a big piece on a wall at a gallery, it’s kind of embarrassing.”
I let that whole experience just fade into the back of my mind.
But speaking on it now- you know what’s embarrassing? The fact I would take this huge moment for me as a brand new Fine Art Artists and squash it. I am ashamed of myself for treating myself so poorly. Never, ever downplay your accomplishments like I did. We all MUST start somewhere.
After that I told my friend, if she was serious, she could buy the piece- and she DID! I created for her, her own original! Printing the digital version on a gallery wrapped canvas and then painting in additional flowers and textures by hand in oil to match her color palette. It is now displayed beautifully on a shelf in her newly renovated living room. What an honor.
At this point I thought to myself- “Ok, maybe now I can release it! Maybe now it’s worthy of being offered as a fine art piece!” I photographed all the images for the launch, and kept them in a folder.
Meanwhile, the half finished painting also stood there on its easel, staring at me, haunting me, taunting me. Another thing I had left unfinished. Another thing I ran away from.
Until one day it hit me… That piece only exists because I was unable to accept what I had created was good, it was important to me, it was worthy of calling art, it didn’t have to play by some “art rule.” And since when did I start following rules!? I hate rules.
I could see it in my mind- “Don’t Overthink It” was how I was going to finish the piece. I wasn’t going to keep painting the flowers and making them perfect. That wasn’t the point anymore. That piece now was going to be a strong reminder for me the next time I got in my own way, so STOP overthinking it!
With no expectations, and absolutely no worry of ruining this thing, I grabbed the back oil paint and slathered it thickly on the surface. I stepped back. “Hmm. Ok. Yeah, that’s fine. But… I think it’s missing something at the top. What if I write everything I was overthinking!?” I picked up a sharpie and began to scribble all the thoughts that had flooded my mind that had got me into this mess. Manically I allowed words to overlap, get lost, be spoken, be unleashed from me. Knowing 1 day someone might see it paused- how honest did I want to be? Did I really want to spell out everything I had thought? Yeah… I did. I had to. I had to be honest.
I stepped back again. “Hmm… Ok. Interesting, but now it’s just random words floating…” And with no thought as to why I should, I dipped my paint in oil and paint thinner and watched as it fell down the canvas, leaving dark streaks in its path as it freely flowed. It was all starting to come together. The left side left untouched, this picturesque beauty preserved and then this dark side, clouded by all these anxious thoughts. Not caring where the paint went, just how it felt, and finally wiping it up off the floor I stepped back again and realized- I had just created something really beautiful, really impactful, with no plan, only because I had done exactly what it said- I didn’t overthink it. And in the moment something changed in my brain.
A week or so went by and after it was completely dry I hung it over my studio entry door. I walk below it every day when I cross the threshold into my creative space and it’s the last thing I see every day when I shut down the studio and leave my creative practice behind.
When Art Hop announced they were looking for Artists to apply for their juried Art Show I applied (only because my Dad was brave enough to first submit his art- an awesome metal and rock sculpture) and stared at the form when asked, “Is this piece for sale?”
I proudly checked no. This original piece means too much to me. It needs to stay in my studio as a constant reminder to not let myself get in the way of my own creativity, power, possibility, and accomplishments. I giggled at the thought- an opportunity to sell my Art, to be a “real Artist” and I’m saying no. That’s when I realized my growth, not just as an Artist, but as a person.
What is success? What is good enough? What is right? What is worthy?
There are no correct answers to any of these questions. They are deeply personal. But here’s what I do know. I’m not less of a “real artist” because I choose to use digital tools. I am not less successful because my Art wasn’t HUGE in a gallery and I have “only” sold 1 piece. I’m not less worthy for any damn reason, period. And I don’t fucking care what’s right as long as I am happy.
I know this is getting lengthy at this point, but with May being mental health awareness month, let me just say a little bit more.
To some this piece may be beautiful, to others it may feel a little dark and scary. Some people may think I made it better. Some people might be uncomfortable with the darkness it confronts and say I ruined it. And that’s ok.
Let me be just 1 persons to tell you (and yes, I hope you read all of this)-
You do not have to feel shame for feeling your emotions deeply. You don’t have to be ashamed that you don’t wake up happy every day. Don’t beat yourself up for overthinking- it’s often something that many of don’t choose to do, we just find ourselves in the loop we can’t break. Don’t accept the shame other people will try to put on you when they get uncomfortable with your “dark” thoughts. Find people who are open to accepting you and your emotions, at all levels. Don’t think you’re lazy, unmotivated, or not good enough if you find yourself surrounded by unfinished projects. And NEVER compare your year 1 to someone else’s year 20, 10, 5, or even 2. YOU are on your own path. It all takes time, and isn’t linear. There will be ups and downs.
Know you’re not weird, broken, overly dramatic, and especially know- you’re not alone.
My mental health is something I think I have always kinda battled with since I was 17, but now at 39 am fully understanding and accepting.
But ya know what? I’m proud of who I am and how my brain works. It makes me feel deeply, create openly, and dream big. With that being said, I still have work to do AND I’ve done a lot of work to help my brain maintain a better balance and stay out of rock bottom. Apparentlyyyyy consistent anxiety isn’t normal (who knew, not me) and it can be quite debilitating (as I found out) if left unchecked. I’m not perfect but I’ve crawled myself out of some dark holes with the help of therapy, “spiritual” practices, and fierce friends, loving family, and a husband who has never once made me feel like I’m something to fix. Even when I’m sitting broken, sobbing on my kitchen floor because my brain is too overwhelmed for simple tasks like cooking dinner.
Find those people. Allow yourself to be honest about your emotions. Don’t be afraid to fuck up. Don’t be afraid to be proud of yourself. And try your damndest not to overthink, well, everything, as some of us have a tendency to do.
If you deal with depression (hi, me too sometimes), anxiety (yep, daily), any type of neurodivergence (oh, hi again!), a mental disorder, or you just know what it’s like to have a shit day- I see you.
I know “Don’t overthink it” is an oversimplified statement, and it’s no quick fix, but I do believe it’s a statement that so many of us wish we could embrace more and dare I say, if we learn how to, it could change everything.
If you would like to take the time before May 23rd, 2025 to vote for Don’t Overthink It in Art Hop you can do so by clicking here.
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