This is gonna fuck it all up, thank god.

You know what’s messed up? I really want to write a public blog to talk about my experiences lately, not just as a business owner, but also as a person, and as soon as I opened the back end of my website and saw all the polished content I thought- “Well I can’t put it here! It will ruin the whole brand.”

Um. I AM the mother fucking brand, so what in the hell am I even talking about?
(Sorry about the harsh words but I’m really working on being confident in my choices and sometimes the F word just really helps me feel like I mean business. haha)

So, this is my act of rebellion. This is me taking a risk. This is me being an honest human being and really trusting my gut on this one. This is me saying- This could fuck it all up, thank god!
Because I know that’s what I need right now.
I need to fuck things up.
Because for the last 4 years I’ve been trying so damn hard to keep my shit together and things have NOT been working for me. And that’s real talk right there!

I run this website. I own this business. I am allowed to talk about whatever I want, whenever I want. And no aesthetic, or brand, or message, or niche is going to stop me- now.
It would have before, and it did, and that’s because I was trying to be me while also focusing on doing what I thought was right, not what felt right, because what felt right didn’t make sense in my head, it didn’t have a bigger goal, it went against all the “business rules.”

If I’m being honest, I think that’s what the social media feeds and anything that lives in the public eye in general is missing a lot of- organic authenticity. But it does not fall short on sales tactics, growth hacks, content, ads, pressure, lies, manipulation, filters, inflated egos, shit products, and the list goes on.
As much as I thought I was inpenitrable to all of that, come to find out, I wasn’t. And then I started doing some of it. And that’s when I knew I had totally lost myself.

If you’ve known me for more than 5 years you’ll know I put my successful Portrait Photography business on hiatus until further notice to find a calmer lifestyle and explore my own personal creativity.
If you’ve known me for 1 year you’ll know I made a huge announcement saying THIS was the year where I could FINALLY give my dream of being an Artist a real go. I had a project to announce.
I have 2 long, painful stories to share about both of those experiences that I’m still struggling to put into words, but let’s just say- I have ran away from those dreams for the last 5 years, fooling myself, trying to do what was right, while knowing in my gut it was wrong for me. And here I am now. FINALLY ready to right my internal wrongs.

As much as I LOVE business, I’ve never viewed myself as some Entrepreneur. I’m an Artist… who knows how to run a business. Through and through, down to my core, raw and true Art wants to come first, but I wouldn’t let it. I think that’s where a lot of my struggles have been coming from recently and why I stopped sending emails and posting photo tips-
I don’t like teaching people and I don’t like selling to people.
That’s what a good business does.
What I realized is- I like connecting with people and sharing what I know or have to offer.
That’s what good Art does.
I didn’t know or see that difference before (but now I do.)
Teaching feels one sided to me and very cut and dry.
Sharing has depth, both ways.

In short- that’s why I’m not offering the course. Ever.

I KNOW there is a world in which Art can be a business vs my business contains Art. I see this proof in so many of the Artists I look up to like Photographer Brooke Shaden and Musician Ren. It is these people who I watch make Art and then share who remind me what’s possible when you stay true to who you are.

Listen. I’ve been GOING THROUGH IT you guys. I’m not ashamed to say that. I’ve written SO MANY blogs that I’ve deleted because I am having trouble articulating ALL that I’ve been through in just 1 blog. I’ve been grappling with if I even actually need to say anything out loud. I’ve been clueless as to where I want to go from here and what my bigger goals are.

But what I KNOW with certainty now is that for whatever reason I was meant to tell my story. For me, spilling my emotions out on the page or in a photograph has always felt right. I was meant to say things that some might find embarrassment or shame in. I was meant to be honest even when people didn’t ask me to be.

I was put here to speak. I was put here to share.

I don’t know why. I don’t know on what. I just know I have no problem spewing a lot of things and that being vulnerable doesn’t bother me. When I don’t do it I feel bottled up. When I don’t create or speak I feel life has no meaning past complacent tasks I have to repeat every day. And over time I’ve watched as there’s been people who connect with that, find peace in that, and have thanked me for that. So as much as I need to do this for me, I hope I can do this for you too, because as I said before- Art has to go both ways to matter.

So. I’m just starting.

I’m speaking. I’m sharing.
And I don’t even know what I’m saying. haha But damn it, I’m doing it, just to see where it goes.
I am trusting the process and that’s incredibly new for me, because I’m not in control, and I have NO clue where this is going to go, if anywhere, it breaks all the rules I’ve studied and taught, and I’m choosing to take a chance and do it anyways.

This summer I felt several parts of me die. Sounds dramatic- if you were in my head and body you would understand it’s accurate. Some of those parts I need to bring life back into. But some parts I’m SO thankful to FINALLY let go of. In one journal entry I unleashed so much truth and cut a life chord to some things that were slowly killing me from the inside out- like trying to put business before my Art. It was there I found freedom. It was there I began healing.

Since then I’ve started therapy, I’m currently on week 7. I’m learning a lot about myself and working on a lot, things that I feel like are truly going to change my life little by little. One of those things is confidently making choices based on how I feel in my gut, regardless of reasons I make up, and following through with them with no bigger goal in mind, and learning from whatever follows.

I’m either gonna fuck this all up.
Or
This is going to lead to where I’ve always been meant to go.

Awkwardly, confused, yet with conviction I welcome you to follow along and see what happens.

<3 Autumn Janelle